After nearly five years of working in a private practice setting, I was looking for something with a bit more predictability, structure, and benefits that just typically aren’t possible in a small business.

I applied to a wide variety of positions, but when I saw that NOCD was hiring, I very quickly hit apply. I’ve admired NOCD and their professional reputation for many years and have followed them on social media for quite some time, but I had never considered working there.

Once I interviewed and learned about their intensive training program and extensive benefits, it immediately seemed like the perfect next step in my therapy career. After accepting my offer, I was filled with pride. Not just for getting the job, but for how much I’ve leaned into change and uncertainty over the past few months.

Change and uncertainty are notoriously difficult for people who live with OCD, and the entire past year of my life has been filled with change after change, curveball after curveball. And yet, instead of running from it like I would have many years ago, I’ve been leaning into it. I’ve been realizing that change and uncertainty can be beautiful, if you let them.

I’ve struggled with OCD for as long as I can remember, but I wasn’t formally diagnosed until 2023. I have nearly every OCD subtype under the sun: harm, contamination, relationship, checking, existential, responsiblity, real event, somatic, sexual orientation, magical thinking, POCD, symmetry/”just right” — if you’ve heard of it, chances are my OCD has gone there.

Through my own experiences with ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) Therapy, I’ve made so much progress in my OCD recovery. I still do struggle, however, it’s nothing like it once was. In fact, the extensive training I’ve been undergoing as part of this new position has made it even more apparent that I need to work on my recovery every single day.

Prior to starting at NOCD, I had some experience with working with clients living with OCD. However, it was pretty much always a secondary concern along with another primary struggle, such as an eating disorder. I had familiarity with ERP from own personal therapy and from some books I’d read — but it wasn’t until starting this training that I realized how little I actually knew.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the OCD cycle like the back of my hand thanks to my own brain. But undergoing ERP as a client or even reading books about OCD treatment is far different than getting intensive training from top experts.

To date, I’ve had over 50 hours of training in the past four weeks — my brain is overloaded in the best way! Training has consisted of both real-time didactic (lecture-based) learning, roleplays, prerecorded (asynchronous) video trainings, and clinical advising meetings where we meet with training leadership to demonstrate competency in OCD treatment skills.

At NOCD, we predominantly utilize ERP as our main treatment modality, so as soon as I knew I’d be doing exposures with Members (what we call our clients) day in and day out, I realized that I needed to start doing my own exposures much more frequently. Instead of trying to find a way around it, I’ve chosen to lean into this amazing opportunity to further my own healing.

Last week, I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner, and I was so proud to be able to tell her about the improvements in my OCD symptoms — something I haven’t been able to say in months. She said that even without me telling her, she could notice the progress. She also said that she noticed that compulsions that I didn’t even know about were no longer apparent…in the moment, I didn’t think to ask what those compulsions were, especially because I thought I was fully aware of my patterns. I’m still deciding if I’m going to ask her about that in our session next month or if I’m going to just sit the uncertainty of not knowing.

As my OCD symptoms have improved, I’ve also noticed improvement in my ADHD symptoms, which is a much-needed shift.

Life has brought some unplanned exposures recently like:

• realizing I’d have to go up and down multiple staircases while out at bars with friends…while slightly intoxicated

• seeing musicians wrapping cables “wrong” after a concert (this isn’t judgment, it’s my just-right OCD)

• having to go to the grocery store alone to pick up medications while my girlfriend was out of town

• having to take two escalators at the mall when I didn’t realize that would happen

• some others I can’t remember

On top of these unplanned exposures, every single day, I’ve been starting the morning with asking myself, “What ERP am I going to practice today?”

This ritual helps me proactively challenge my OCD, whether an unplanned exposure pops up or not. OCD recovery requires intentional, active choices — not just assuming something that challenges you is going to pop up.

ERP is about intentionally triggering your OCD, letting the distress come up, and resisting (or delaying/decreasing) the compulsion to let the fear center of your brain naturally regulate to the distress. An analogy for this that I learned in training is when you jump into a cold pool or the ocean and your body eventually regulates to the temperature without you having to do anything.

Sitting with the distress can be uncomfortable and scary, but it’s the only way to teach the fear center of your brain that the feared outcome either doesn’t happen or isn’t as bad as you thought.

Some planned exposures I’ve had recently:

• Letting my hair air dry instead of blow drying it before leaving the house

• Not combing my eyebrows to make sure they’re “just right”

• Only reviewing a work message twice instead of getting in a checking loop

• Not immediately washing my hands after scooping the cat’s litter

• Driving a short distance without using Waze

• Not asking for reassurance from beta readers

• Doing my hair once and not fixing it being “asymmetrical”

• Not asking for reassurance when running late

On a daily basis, I’m using ERP language in my conversations. When an unplanned/surprise exposure comes my way, I’m not avoiding, I’m leaning into it.

While I’m sure OCD won’t be the sole focus of my clinical work forever (although, who knows with how much I’m enjoying it), I’m loving this opportunity to grow my clinical skills, have a more structured/stable work environment, AND also further my own OCD recovery.

This has also given me more motivation to incorporate OCD representation in my future books — and if you’re looking for a contemporary romance novel with OCD rep, my debut novel EVER SINCE NEW YORK’s male main character Kieran lives with OCD. It’s available now in paperback and Kindle editions, as well as being able on Kindle Unlimited.

If you’re looking for OCD support, NOCD has therapists licensed nationwide in the US (and in some other countries) and accepts most major insurance plans. I’m licensed in the states of Tennessee (LPC-MHSP) and Michigan (LPC), but if you’re not located in one of those two states, there are plenty of other amazing NOCD therapists who would love to help. You can learn more here.

Here’s to continuing to embrace uncertainty and leaning into change and new opportunities, despite the moments where my OCD tries to fight it.

My last post was back in August, and my life has been totally turned upside down since then.

• My debut contemporary romance novel EVER SINCE NEW YORK was published.

• I came out as a lesbian…and I’m getting divorced.

• I moved into my first apartment.

• I have a lovely girlfriend named Emma.

• I’m changing my last name to my mom’s maiden name, McNamara.

• I got an adorable tuxedo kitten, Harry Styles.

And the most recent change is that in about a week, I’ll be starting a new job. I’ll share more about that after my first day, but it’s a change I’m very excited about.

Through all of this change, I decided to do a full rebrand in collaboration with my amazing designer/branding guru friend, Keely Rust. My new website is still on the way, but I absolutely adore my new logo/branding suite — and my girlfriend came up with the new tagling, for the (fan)girls. We were sitting at my fave coffee shop brainstorming possibilities, and as soon as she suggested it, I knew it was perfect.

I’ll have some more posts coming on here diving into more of the details on each of these changes, but for now, I’ll share that the biggest theme is that I’m so proud of how I’ve been navigating every twist and turn. I’m far from perfect, and I’ve made my share of missteps, but overall, I’ve been taking it all in stride. For possibly the first time in my life, I’m embracing change as something that can be positive and exciting, versus something to fight with everything in me.

If you’re wondering what for the (fan)girls will consist of, it’s going to be pretty similar to my past Substack vibe…but with more consistency/variety.

You can expect to see:

• Updates on my writing journey and other creative pursuits

• Things I’m reading/watching/listening to

• Little life updates/reflections on them

• Thoughts and rambles on current events

• Fangirl thoughts/updates (especially with all of the 1D boys going on tour!!!)

• And whatever other random things my ADHD brain may decide to include :)

I know this post was semivague, but I wanted to give a little surface level update before diving deeper.

Thanks for being here, and I’m excited to be back on this platform!

xx,

Colleen <3

Sadly, the universe wasn’t on my side.

I’ll spare you all the details, but the short version is that there wasn’t a possibility where we were able to save him. We had to make the excruciating decision to end his suffering. 36 hours before, he was a completely different dog. It was a decision full of our love for him, even though it broke our hearts.

While I only had Zen for eight years of his sixteen, he went through so many milestones and chapters of my life with me. Falling in love with my now husband. Graduating college. Moving to Nashville. Starting graduate school. Healing from trauma. Completing graduate school. Becoming a licensed therapist. Getting engaged. Getting married. Writing a novel.

When I first moved to Nashville, my dogs stayed with my mom because I wasn’t able to bring them with me. Then, in July 2023, they made the trek from Los Angeles to Nashville to live with us. Zen immediately bonded with my husband Sean in a way I’ve never seen an animal bond with a human. Zen was aloof and indifferent about many things—but not Sean. Sean was his whole world. He would howl incessantly when he wasn’t home. He would follow him around constantly, and he would stand on him every morning to wake up for food.

I often found myself feeling bitter about their connection. He was my dog first, and I was jealous of how much Zen loved Sean—and infuriated by the infinite howls. What I wouldn’t give to hear him howl again.

However, a few months ago, that bitterness faded and turned to joy. Joy that that little fluff ball loved Sean as much as I did. And I truly believe that his love for Sean is what kept him on this earth for as long as he was. Like cars are fueled by gasoline, Zen was fueled by love. Pure, unfiltered love.

And when we made the heartbreaking decision to put Zen to sleep, it was the greatest reciprocation of that limitless love.

Grief is weird. That day was filled with sobs and questions and anger at the universe. However, it was also filled with gratitude.

Gratitude that while the sudden nature of his death was unexpected and excruciating, it wasn’t drawn out in the way that losing his daughter Tidbit last year was. Gratitude that he regained enough strength that night to sassily walk around our room at the animal hospital, tangling up his IV line. Gratitude that Sean wasn’t on tour and that I wasn’t in this alone. Gratitude for the immense love that surrounded us and for how kind the staff was.

I took that week away from seeing clients, and from most of my work. Most therapists understand how challenging it can be to suddenly cancel sessions, even when it’s for a very valid reason. It’s different than taking a week off from a different kind of work. Even when clients are compassionate and understanding, it’s hard to have to take away a space where they get the kind of support that they often don’t find in other places. However, I needed to give myself room to figure out what life is like without the most special dog in the world. And I’m so glad I had it in me to do that.

That week, I threw myself fully into marketing EVER SINCE NEW YORK. Some people thought it was avoidance, but for me, it was channeling my energy into something that gives me joy—which is what Zen would have wanted. Even if it feels like the world stops when you experience a massive lost, it doesn’t. The world keeps turning, whether or not you turn with it.

Over the past few months, I’ve felt a bit lost in terms of identity and career. I dreamed of becoming a therapist for years, and I put in the hard work (and tens of thousands of dollars) to do that. However, I started to feel disconnected from that work. It wasn’t lighting me up like it once did. I kept telling myself, “Oh, you’re just burnt out. After your next vacation, you’ll love it again.” But I was lying.

It’s not that I don’t like being a therapist. There are some sessions where I leave feeling like I did something important and filled with a sense of purpose. But, as much as it scares me to say on the internet, more often, I don’t feel that way. I often find myself dreading sitting down in my therapist chair, feeling like I don’t know how to be a therapist in our current world. And that’s not insecurity or imposter syndrome. It’s my truth.

This wasn’t always the case. I had several years where being a full-time therapist was a dream come true. Where holding space for healing for several hours a day felt like my calling. But it feels different now.

For many months, I didn’t tell anyone. When people would ask if I love my job, I’d say yes. Deep down, I felt differently…but I couldn’t even admit it to myself.

Eventually, I started to tell a few people, but I dreaded even uttering a fraction of my feelings to people at work. I dreaded making those words real and concrete. One day, I did bring those words up in a meeting, and it was so freeing.

I love parts of my job. I love getting to supervise counselors in training, who are so excited about this field. I love being a marketing girlie and getting to help more people access the healing they deserve through bringing awareness to the practice. And there are times where I enjoy doing therapy sessions.

But being a full-time therapist just no longer works for me. So, I’m in a phase of figuring out was does work for me. I’ve already had a lower caseload the past few months due to a number of factors, and I’m going to be keeping it that way. What used to be close to a 50/50 split between my clinical work and my marketing and leadership work has now shifted to more of a 75/25 one, with the 25 being the clinical piece.

For now, still seeing a handful of clients feels workable and enjoyable. I don’t know if that will continue to be the case forever, but it’s what feels right in the moment. As a result, I’ve decided that I’m going to begin offering freelance marketing services like I did many years ago—something I never thought I’d go back to, but is something that really fills my cup.

In many ways, this grief journey has solidified that. It has given me a concrete reminder of how fleeting life is and that I want to live my life in a way that feels fulfilling, not dragging.

I’ve had so many seasons of finding myself…and I think that’s what life is. Call it a quarter-life-crisis or whatever feels best. But the woman I am at 28-years-old is different than the 20-year-old girl who started the journey to becoming a clinician. I’m reminding myself, just as I remind my clients on a daily basis, that it’s okay (and important) to evolve. That it doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that all the work was for nothing.

My training as a therapist has been valuable not only for helping others find healing, but also for deepening my own healing, helping me be more effective in relationships, and for writing fictional stories that show the complexity of mental health challenges from a unique perspective that many other writers can’t. In a sea full of writers, for over a year I wondered what exactly set me apart. And this is it.

I don’t fully know what the future holds. And while part of that feels scary, more of it feels exciting and freeing. It feels like growth. It feels like feeling more solid in my identity. It feels like being authentic and not lying to myself and saying I’m something I’m not.

While losing Zen has been a pain like no other, and I know that pain will last some time, this loss has also has led other things to be found.

Sean and I are finding ways to cope more effectively than we did with the loss of Tidbit. Doing things like putting one of Zen’s sweaters on a little stuffed white dog and playing his snores and Tidbit’s barks every night before we sleep. Looking at old pictures and videos and seeing how every moment of that little pup’s life was filled with love. Knowing that we gave him the gift of being loved exactly how he was.

And now, I’m loving and accepting myself exactly as I am. Acknowledging that this shift in my goals is okay and important. Realizing that it doesn’t matter if anyone else judges or questions this transition. Doing this for ME, not anyone else.

To be clear, I’m not stopping being a therapist! I plan on continuing to carry a small caseload, for as long as it feels right. I’m just making some changes, changes that will benefit both me and the clients that I am privileged to journey alongside.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading my rambles. There are likely typos and grammatical errors here because I want to let myself be unfiltered, even if that means being imperfect. Something I used to hate, but I know now makes me human.

I still need to make a services page on my new website, however, for those who are curious about what freelance services I’ll be offering, here are some details:

FOR THERAPY PRACTICES:

These services will be on a long-term retainer basis.

• Marketing management/direction, including strategy, SEO, social media content creation/execution, social media engagement, blog posts, B2B outreach

• Packages can be created based on your budget, however, these services will be priced according to my years of expertise, which will be higher than previous freelance offerings

• I will only be offering these services to practices outside of Tennessee as I will continue providing these services for The Gaia Center and don’t want to feel like I’m creating competition

FOR AUTHORS/WRITERS:

These services can be one off or long term/retainer, and the prices will be a bit lower than what it is for therapy practices.

• Interior formatting, for paperback and ebook formats

• Social media management — whether you want me to create content or just execute content you already have + help with engagement

• Manuscript evaluations — think of this as beta reading, but to another level. This isn’t editing per se, but it will include developmental feedback and guidance for moving forward in your editing process. General and in-line feedback will be provided. This can be great both for folks pursuing indie publishing and folks pursuing traditional publishing.

• Content pulls

• Beta/ARC management + research

• Sensitivity reading, particularly for books that contain mental health themes and/or music industry or dance industry themes

If you’re looking for something within these realms but aren’t quite sure if I offer it, let me know! I’m happy to answer any questions.

In addition, I’m interested in any part-time work or an internship with a literary agency or a publisher. As this is a new industry for me, I will consider unpaid opportunities as well.

I’m excited for seeing what this new season and era brings for me. Many of you have been here with me through other chapters of my life, and I’m excited to continue bringing you along.

I’ve spent my day between our primary care vet and now emergency vet for my sweet 16 year old yorkie Zen. I won’t get into the details, but the short version is that he may recover from this, or he may not. Very touch and go and play it by ear at this point.

This emergency vet has a room we can stay in with him overnight, which is a godsend. We live about 15 mins away so we could’ve slept at home, but we wanted to be by his side.

I fully anticipated today was going to be super productive—two sessions, some marketing work, beta reading for a friend, writing book 2, doing some marketing for EVER SINCE NEW YORK, and going to a friend’s going away party before she moves across the world.

However, that plan was quickly foiled. After doing my first virtual session of the day from home, we realized we needed to get Zen to the vet. I canceled my other session, and we headed over. Aside from making some TikToks to distract myself, no other work has gotten done. Which I know is objectively fine, but with how much my ADHD has gotten in the way of my productivity over the past few months, I have a lot of shame around it.

Losing our other sweet pup Tidbit last year was also very sudden—so this situation has been incredibly dysregulating. I’ve been trying to use all the skills I’ve learned in my years of therapy and through my clinical training as a licensed therapist, but it’s still hard.

As an autistic person, having my routine thrown off is extra difficult. And, at the same time, I’ve taken today’s curveballs in stride.

I haven’t written stream of consciousness style like this in ages, and while who knows if other people will resonate, it feels therapeutic for me—and isn’t that how writing is supposed to be? Writing doesn’t always have to be polished or well thought out. It can also be off the cuff and freeform.

My OCD has also been very loud recently, and this situation has only served to make it worse. Gotta love when you’re just trying to get through an extremely difficult day and your brain is like, “Heeeeyyyy here are some additional intrusive thoughts, k byeeee!”

All this to say, if you’re also going through it right now, you’re not alone. Mercury is truly retrograding, and I need it to chill TF out.

Idk the real point of this post or if anyone will resonate, but if you enjoyed it, please like/comment/share to help me build my audience!

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Don’t get me wrong—there are many fanfics out there that are poorly written (I’ve read my fair share). However, there are also many fanfics I’ve read that are more well written than published novels. In addition, many authors get their start as fanfic writers! Of course, there are times where a book “feeling like fan fiction” is a bad thing. But, considering the wide breadth of what fan fics can look like, these kinds of statements lack nuance. They are also often an “easy” way to knock any book that may have fan references or hints of fanfic vibes.

I want to be clear that this is a different issue than the recent trend of HP fanfics being repackaged for the traditional publishing market, while still marketing them as fan fiction. This puts the realm of online fan fiction writing at risk for legal reasons, and don’t even get me started on the despicable actions of JKR.

The next time you’re thinking of saying “this feels like fan fiction” in a negative way, maybe consider expanding on what you dislike about it and if that’s something exclusive to fanfic. Is it the writing style or tone? Is it the tropes? Is it pop culture references? Is it the structure? Is it the character development (or lack thereof)?

Everyone is allowed to have their own opinions and tastes in books—and I also think that people rush to throw blanket statements that don’t actually communicate what they really mean.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this sometimes controversial topic—sound off in the comments!

xx

Colleen

PS: my debut contemporary romance novel EVER SINCE NEW YORK (coming September 16th!!!) is available to preorder and/or add to Goodreads now at this link.

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Earlier in the week, my proof copy from Amazon KDP came, and while that was also a bit surreal, it was nothing like receiving the copy that didn’t have the ugly “not for resale” bar and also didn’t need any tweaks.

I got the notification that it was delivered while I was still at the office, and the “gnawing at the bars of my enclosure” phrase was REAL. I usually take 5-10 minutes to sit in my car in the driveway after I get home, but you best believe that I SPRINTED inside.

As soon as I saw it, my jaw dropped. Writing, and now publishing, this book has been quite the journey—and holding it in my hands for the first time made the fact that my dreams are coming true feel so real.

My amazing friend Sophie Riley, one of the cofounders of NovelBound, did the cover art, and it’s stunning. I chose the fonts and did the layout for the rest of the design (including the spine and back), and while I nearly lost my sanity in the process, it was so worth it.

Countless hours of hard work have gone into this process, and it’s so rewarding to be this close to the finish line. I sent out digital ARCs (advance reader copies) last week, and it’s been super exciting to hear readers’ thoughts. Many authors try to avoid reviews—but with how my brain functions, I fear I will never be that person. I’m proud of myself for not spiraling over my first negative review, like I imagined I might.

I’m grateful to be in a headspace where I mostly feel incredible about the book I’ve created and to be able to recognize that it won’t be for everyone. Everyone likes different things from books, and it’s just a fact that there will inevitably be people who don’t enjoy even the most well-written of books.

Most of the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive thus far, and it’s really heartwarming to see people love Emaline and Kieran as much as I do. With every DM or text I get from a reader with reactions, a smile comes across my face. It’s unreal to know that people are loving the story I created. Several people have shared that the mental health components have helped them feel seen and represented in a way that they never have in books, which was one of my biggest goals when writing it.

Release day is less than 2 months away, and I can’t wait to get EVER SINCE NEW YORK out in the world. If you’re interested in preordering, all of the preorder options live at this link. Currently, you can preorder on Kindle (will also be on Kindle Unlimited), signed paperback (US shipping only), Barnes & Noble, and Amazon (including international shipping options). Signed paperbacks will come with a bookmark, sticker, and art print.

In addition, you can also add it on Goodreads and Storygraph. Preorders and adds to these websites mean so much, especially to indie authors, so your support is greatly appreciated.

If you have any questions about EVER SINCE NEW YORK or if there’s anything you particularly want to know about this process, let me know in the comments!

Then, as I got older, I would write longer stories on my family’s shared desktop computer in our computer room (any fellow 90s/2000s babies remember having a computer room? 😂)

For two summers, I went to a writing camp, and that’s where my writer identity really solidified. However, once I went into high school, I lost some of my love for fiction writing. In college, I wrote fairly often, but it was usually essays and journalistic stuff, not fiction.

In 2023, I got back into writing fiction, and then in January 2024 I came up with the idea for my debut contemporary romance novel EVER SINCE NEW YORK (which will be published September 16th). Throughout the drafting and editing process, I’ve learned so much—and I honestly feel like I learn something new about writing everyday.

Here are a few tips that have been impactful for me:

1. Doing writing sprints

A writing sprint is when you take a dedicated chunk of time to write as much as you can, without editing or distractions. It can be five minutes, fifteen minutes, an hour…you get the idea. As an ADHD person, I LIVE by timers for nearly everything—and starting to do timed writing sprints made a major impact. In addition, it has helped challenge my perfectionism because it is about just getting words onto the page, not editing them or them having to be “polished.” I often do writing sprints on my own, but I also participate in virtual sprints hosted by NovelBound and Hot Girls Who Write. Doing sprints with other writers is so helpful for community and accountability.

2. Using brackets for placeholders in drafts

When I first started writing EVER SINCE NEW YORK, I was obsessed with trying to get the first draft as perfect as it could possibly could be on my first go. I would spend hours trying to figure out the exact right name for a side character or the perfect dialogue or outfit description. Instead of being able to finish more of the actual story, I was fixated on things that could be fixed easily later. Something I started doing later in the draft and that I’ve been doing now as I write book 2 is using brackets for placeholders. For example: [insert name here] or [insert funny reply here]. Writing a novel includes so many drafts, and it’s okay if you don’t think of something on the first (or even second, third, or fourth) draft. This can help you move forward in making the story happen instead of getting hung up on the little things.

3. Resisting the urge to edit as I write

As a perfectionist, resisting the urge to edit as I go while writing can feel excruciating. However, resisting that urge also means being able to finish your draft more quickly and also better avoid writer’s block. As I’ve been writing book 2, I’ve been forcing myself to just get words out, reminding myself that there will be so many rounds of edits and that whatever errors are there can be a problem for future me. Choosing to push through instead of editing as I go is allowing me to get through this first draft at a quicker pace than ESNY, and it’s helping me really let the characters tell me their story vs. getting caught up in it being polished right away. This can be much easier said than done, but ultimately it will expedite your process.

These are just a few things that have positively impacted my writing—fellow writers, what tips have improved your writing? Let me know in the comments so we can spread the wisdom <3

PS: ARC (advance reader copy) sign ups for EVER SINCE NEW YORK are now open—and the application will only be open for about another week and a half! Learn more here.

Until next time,

xx

Colleen

As I type this, I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop, about to dive back into my final round of developmental edits for EVER SINCE NEW YORK.

It probably sounds sappy, but this shop is one of the places I feel the most seen in my life. I’ve been coming here for nearly a year, and over time, it has become what feels like an extension of my home, even though it’s about ten minutes from my house. My first drink is almost always an iced English breakfast tea with a touch of honey, and pretty much every barista knows as soon as I get in the door to get it ready. Occasionally, throughout my visit one of them will make me some sort of fun mocktail, always magically matching flavors I love, which is wild because I’m semi picky not just as an eater, but with beverages as well.

When they ask me how I’m doing when I check out, I know they mean it; it’s not just a pleasantry. Everyone who works here has truly become a friend. Whenever Sean and/or Zen aren’t with me, they ask about them. Without fail, I’m asked about my writing/my book at least once whenever I visit, and I can tell that it comes from genuine interest and curiosity. In fact, yesterday (when I was here for over five hours), one of the baristas came to sit near me on a break, asking about how editing is going and what the story is about. It’s a small thing, but that five minutes made me really feel like an author, not just someone writing a silly little book for fun.

Two friends came to write with me yesterday, and whenever I bring someone new, it feels like I’m introducing them to family, which is weird to say – but it’s true.

For most of my life, I’ve struggled with finding places where I feel like I belong. Where I feel like people really see me, get me, and actually are glad to see me. Not just talking to me because they feel bad or feel like they have to include me. And sure, I’m a paying customer, so there is that element. Throughout my time in Nashville, I’ve often felt like an outsider. But, whenever I walk in the door, I feel like I fit here.

I’m in a really exhausting, chaotic season of life. My full-time has been both slow and fast-paced all at the same time. My caseload has been down for a bit, a combo of clients finishing therapy, ghosting, and the impending “summer slump.” In the same breath, the other half of my job (marketing and development) has been very fast-paced, with all sorts of new and existing growth initiatives. It’s kind of a weird combo to balance in my brain.

Being on deadline for EVER SINCE NEW YORK while also working full-time is quite the experience. Last week, I received my beta reader feedback, and Friday I’ll be handing my last developmental edits over to my editor for her to start line editing (grammar, punctuation, syntax, wording, etc). As an AuDHD (autistic + ADHD) person, external deadlines actually work better for my brain vs. things being open-ended/having self-imposed deadlines. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not still a challenge!

This current round of edits has actually overall been pretty enjoyable as I’ve been deepening/extending several scenes, and I also truly am in love with the story. But juggling it along with trying to be a wife, having had several recent health scares with Zen (he is luckily better now), attempting to stay connected with family, and still working on healing my hamstring and navigating the pain associated with it, along with the dumpster fire that is our country/world has been pretty heavy and draining. I simultaneously feel like I’m doing a lot and that I’m not doing enough. I don’t love that I’m not showing up for people in my life in the way I’d like to. I don’t like that I’ve been dropping balls. I don’t like that I’ve been staring at my computer for over ten hours most days.

At the same time, I know this season is temporary.

And I know it’s a gift and privilege to be able to live my dreams in this way. Without the support and resources I have access to, none of this would be possible. Yes, I’m fucking exhausted, but I’m also doing things that my younger self could only dream of. Hell, I’m doing things that were only wishes and dreams a year ago.

All this to say, life is a beautiful mess right now. Some days the beauty is more apparent. Some days the mess is more apparent.

Now that I’ve chaotically brain dumped all of this, it’s time for me to chug the rest of my tea and jump back into edits.

Until next time <3

xx

Colleen

PS: I didn’t proofread this post, so it’s likely all over the place. It is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

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For anyone unfamiliar with the publishing process, developmental editing focuses on the actual story of a novel. It centers around the overall themes, character development, and arcs vs. copy/line editing which focuses on grammar, syntax, etc. As part of the developmental editing process, Sabrina sent me an analysis letter with some big suggestions and small suggestions, as well as in-line comments in my manuscript. We also did a FaceTime to chat about my thoughts before I dove into making any changes.

The process of editing combined with some of the busiest work weeks I’ve ever had was an…experience. Not a bad one, just a trying one! The biggest changes included adding more internal/external tension, as well as some changes to tone of dialogue/more distinction between character voices. I cried several times, not because of it being hard, but because of having to make some already emotional scenes rather…excruciating. But, hey, if I’m feeling it, my readers hopefully will too!

I’m super excited for Sabrina to dive back into it and to get round 2 underway.

WHAT ELSE I’VE BEEN UPTO:

• My adorable niece Elora Lynn was born on March 16th!!! I haven’t been able to meet her in person yet as my brother and sister-in-law live in California, but Sean and I FaceTimed with her (and the adults of course) for two hours the week she was born and it was the best. I’m so excited to be an aunt! You can check out some sweet photos of her on my Instagram.

• I’m really loving my current season of work at The Gaia Center. We’ve been implementing a system called EOS, and it’s exciting to see the positive changes we’re making – we were awesome before, too, but these shifts are already paying off! As a result of this shift, my title is now Director of Development, which encompasses marketing, HR (hiring, exiting, team culture), supervising graduate interns, and a few other things. It’s been a little chaotic with getting my footing with some of the newness, but it’s overall really great.

• Still writing book two…it has a title, which probably won’t be shared until after EVER SINCE NEW YORK is published (sorry lol). I didn’t write any of it from the beginning of March until today, but I have the manuscript open in another window and will be locking in after I hit send on this newsletter! I’m just over 25k words in – it’s an interconnected standalone set in the same “universe” as ESNY, focused on two side characters. Very different tropes, and it’s been fun to write, even with this break.

• I just started reading The Hunger Games for the first time. Despite being a book lover since birth and the series first being released at a time where I definitely could’ve read it, somehow I just didn’t. I’m only a few pages in so nothing to report yet, but I’m hoping it lives up to the hype!

• Sean and I recently finished our millionth rewatch of Silicon Valley, an HBO show that aired from 2014-2019. If you haven’t watched it, it follows a tech startup and their many adventures towards trying to find success. Even if you’re not into tech, I personally think it’s a great watch.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself amidst this scary, uncertain world. It’s terrifying to see what’s unfolding here in the US (especially living in Tennessee, a red state) and across the globe. If you’re looking for a straightforward way to approach getting in touch with your local government representatives, 5 Calls is a great place to start.

until next time –

xx, coco

PS: beta readers for ESNY close at midnight tonight (March 30th) – more info here!

I am SO excited for tomorrow’s cover reveal for my debut contemporary romance novel EVER SINCE NEW YORK.

I will be posting the beta reader application along with the cover reveal, but I wanted to share it with my Substack list first 🥰

The application will be open until March 30th and you can find it here.

Thanks as always for your support, and stay tuned for the cover reveal 💘

But, here’s what’s been going in my world:

GENERAL LIFE

In early February, my husband Sean and I went to Sedona, AZ for our honeymoon! It was a wedding gift from one of his aunts/uncles, and it was absolutely unreal. I was in desperate need of a recharge, and the trip was just that. We hiked at least a little each day with the exception of the first and last day, and we also did lots of reading/writing/chilling. I’ve never been much of a hiking girly before, but after Sedona, I’ve officially been converted. The vibes were unmatched, and the beauty of the red rocks is like nothing else. We also made the trek to the Grand Canyon, which was breathtaking.

WORK

We’ve been doing a bit of an overhaul in terms of leadership/operations at my job which is wonderful, but also an adjustment! After the honeymoon, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off quite a bit, but now I’m feeling more settled. I love that I get to wear so many hats, seeing clients, supervising interns, doing our marketing, and a few other leadership things. For some people, it may seem like a lot. And while it can be, overall, my ADHD loves getting to have so many different areas to channel my energy into. I’m so grateful to be part of such an amazing practice, and it’s a gift to be part of helping it grow and flourish.

WRITING

About a week and a half ago, I got my first round of developmental edits for EVER SINCE NEW YORK back from my phenomenal editor, Sabrina Grimaldi! Pretty much immediately, I said to her, “I fear you’re spot on with absolutely everything.” For anyone unfamiliar with the editing/publishing process, developmental editing focuses on the overall story/story arc/deeper elements of the novel vs. things like spelling/grammar/punctuation – which will come later in line editing! Luckily, I don’t have to cut any scenes (major sigh of relief), and nothing is too drastic. I won’t share too much about the edits for the sake of not spoiling things, but one of the biggest things is making my characters more imperfect/adding more external conflict.

I have until 3/21 to get her my edits back (and then we’ll have a few more rounds), so trying my best to lock-in!

The biggest news I have currently is that I will be posting my cover reveal next Sunday, March 16th!!!!! I am absolutely in love with it, and I hope you all will too. I’ll also be sharing beta reader applications the same day.

I’m looking for support in promoting the cover reveal, so if you’re interested in helping, you can learn more here.

I’ll be asking folks to at minimum share my post on their IG stories, and I will also share graphics suitable for IG stories/IG feed. In return, you’ll be added to my priority list for when I make ARC (advanced reader copy) selections this summer.

And ICYMI, my publishing date is September 16th. Preorders will be available at some point in July!

WHAT I’M LOVING RIGHT NOW

Sean and I recently finished our millionth (okay, a little bit of an exaggeration) rewatch of Silicon Valley, one of my fave shows of all time. It’s over ten years old at this point so it’s nothing new, but it’s a must watch, especially if you’re interested in the tech or startup world. You can stream it on Max.

I’m currently a bit (more than a bit) behind on reading several ARCs. I recently reread two middle school faves, The Clique by Lisi Harrison and I’d Tell You I Love You But Then I’d Have To Kill You by Ally Carter. One of my goals for this year to reread several past YA faves, and it’s been super fun.

I’m about 10% into The Latina Anti-Diet by Dalina Soto, which is coming out March 18th, and I’m loving it so far!

With finally feeling like I’m getting my bearings with my new schedule, I hope to make weekly updates with this newsletter…but we’ll see if my ADHD cooperates 🤪

I hope you’re taking care of yourself in this wild world – I know it’s rough out here.

Until next time,

xx, coco

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People have also been jumping to say that publicly sharing my beliefs makes me a bad therapist or that I should lose my license for “not being neutral” and that “a therapist’s political views shouldn’t matter to their clients.”

Let’s talk about the therapist part first:

As a therapist and as a human in general, I refuse to remain neutral. Therapy is inherently political, especially when you work with many folks who have various marginalizing identities. I live and work in Tennessee, a red state. Government policies in this state, particularly ones created and enforced by Republicans, impact not just me but also my clients on a daily basis. As a therapist, it is part of my ethical code to advocate for my clients’ wellbeing. Advocating for social justice is part of this.

I think some people assume that therapists with progressive views go into sessions with clients and say, “I voted for [insert candidate], and if you voted for [insert candidate], you’re stupid.” Which is not what happens.

I’m grateful to work at a therapy practice, The Gaia Center for Embodied Healing, that is very vocal about our social justice aligned views and how we actively work to support our marginalized clients and the community at large. We don’t shy away from vocalizing that we are pro-choice, LGBTQIA+ allies (along with many of our team members, myself included, being part of that community), anti-racist, etc.

And the thing is, those things shouldn’t have to be “political.” They should be basic human decency.

Being vocal about not supporting a rapist, fascist, racist, felon shouldn’t have to be “political.”

If you personally don’t care if your therapist shares your views, that is fine. But, that also shows privilege, because many (if not, most) people are affected by politics every single days of their lives. Therapy is an extremely vulnerable thing, and if you have to wonder if your therapist thinks you’re a “sinner” for having a same gender partner or thinks that you shouldn’t have autonomy over your body and reproductive rights, you’re probably not going to be honest in therapy. And, as a result, won’t get anything out of it.

I’m not the right therapist for everyone – and that’s not just because of my political views. For example, I don’t work with children. I don’t specialize in OCD. I’m not trained in every modality that exists. That means I’m not a fit for people who are looking for things I don’t offer, not that I’m a bad therapist. And if someone wants a therapist who is either conservative or doesn’t publicly state their political beliefs, that’s fine – there are plenty of therapists out there who fit that criteria. This idea that everything has to be for everyone and every person has to cater to the needs and desires of every other person in existence is impossible.

If a client came into my office and shared that they were conservative or voted for a candidate I don’t like, I wouldn’t judge them for it. My clients aren’t my friends. I am friendly to my clients, and I even have some clients I wish I could be friends with, but the standards of how I interact with clients vs. how I interact with friends and people who aren’t my clients is different. I am very clear about my values and beliefs in my bio and on social media partly so that people who I’m not a fit for don’t seek therapy with me – it wouldn’t be a good fit for either of us. I also have plenty of clients who don’t align fully with me on a host of issues, such as religion, and it has never been a problem because it’s rooted in respect.

If a potential client feels alienated from working with me because of my values and beliefs, that’s their problem, not mine. In fact, almost all of my clients have thanked me time and time again for both me and the practice I work at being vocal about our values as it has helped them feel safe and validated.

And now for the “marketing” part:

Another recent talking point has been people telling me I’m “alienating 50% of people” who may want to read my book or consume my content on social media.

The reality? My debut contemporary romance novel, EVER SINCE NEW YORK, which will be coming out this fall, has very strong feminist themes. So, if someone is a Trump supporter, they likely would hate my book anyway. I don’t want just anyone to read my book. I want people who will genuinely enjoy and feel connected to my book to read it…so if me being vocal about my political beliefs is “alienating” people, that’s actually helping me connect more to my target audience.

And in terms of my social media content – my goal is to share my authentic life in a way that allows people to feel seen and validated, especially those who share similar identities. I’m not interested in being someone that everyone wants to follow or who filters my content to be suitable for every person in existence. In addition, many of the brand deals I’ve had (and have in the pipeline currently) are as a result of brands and companies loving that I’m vocal about my beliefs and how I support marginalized folks.

TLDR: being vocal about my values and beliefs on social media is actually a smart marketing move, regardless of what ignorant people may think.

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So…what is Keeping Up With Coco and what’s behind the name?

This newsletter is a space where I’ll be sharing my unfiltered thoughts, feelings, and reflections as a twenty-something therapist and author living in a chaotic world.

I’ll also be sharing updates on my journey to publishing my debut contemporary romance novel, EVER SINCE NEW YORK, which will be coming Fall 2025.

My college bestie/honorary roommate Liv gave me the nickname Coco years ago. When I got engaged to my now husband, I told her she manifested it because Conklin is his (and now my) last name. So not only is it a nickname, but it’s extended initials for my name, Colleen Conklin.

What can I expect if I subscribe?

I plan on sharing weekly (or more) posts, spanning from thoughts on current events, to what I’m reading/listening to/watching, to random life things, to updates on my book, and more.

If you subscribe, you’ll get it sent right to your email, so you won’t miss a thing!

Long form writing was always my first love in terms of “content creation,” and while I also love other platforms, this is one where I’ll be able to share my thoughts and reflections in a more thorough way.

This won’t always be perfectly edited or polished. There will probably (definitely) be typos and grammar errors–because that’s real life!

Thanks for being here <3

My struggles with food and body image started early on, like many people. When I was 8 years old, my doctor told me I needed to eat more salads, despite eating a wide variety of foods and my parents having no concerns about my food intake. This was the first time that anyone mentioned any concern about my body, and while I didn’t really consciously internalize it at the time, it has stuck with me ever since.

When I was 10 years old, I found a Weight Watchers book in my living room and proceeded to measure my food for the first time, putting an amount of Cheerios and milk in my bowl that was far too small for a growing child.

Through the rest of my preteen years, I had periods where I fluctuated between restrictive eating and more “normal” eating.

While I had been taking dance classes since I was 3 years old, when I was 12, I started taking dance more seriously. I had several friends in school who were competitive dancers, and I wanted to enter that world. Day in and day out, I was staring at myself in a leotard and tights in the mirror, seeing how all of the other dancers in my classes were smaller than me. Part of this was that I was in classes with dancers several years younger than me because my first dance studio was very recreational and lacking in true technical training, however, at the time, I wasn’t fully aware of how, developmentally, body fluctuations happen and that what I was experiencing was totally normal.

With the pervasiveness of diet culture, my mom also struggled with her own relationship with food and body image. We would diet together, so these behaviors were seen as normal. To be clear,  I don’t blame my mom for this. We are all products of our environments, and I know that she didn’t have malicious intentions. In ways, it was something we bonded over. 

As part of the requirements of the studio I was training at, I started taking ballet classes twice per week. We saw several performances of the New York City Ballet, and I noticed that there weren’t any dancers who looked like me…even though my body was truly pretty average size for a 13 year old girl. I once again started restricting my food intake more, and this was the first time where I feel my behaviors would clinically be classified as a diagnosable eating disorder. Around the same time, I experienced some trauma that also led me to want to seek control as a way to cope.

When I was 16, I got very serious about ballet and started on a preprofessional track. This intensified my eating disorder, to where I was eating very minimal food, and on top of the 4+ hours per day I was dancing, I would do jumping jacks in front of my microwave when my dinner was heating up after getting home. I was constantly lightheaded and tired, but I just chalked it up to staying up late talking to boys and studying. 

My parents divorced when I was 16 and both of them worked crazy hours to make ends meet, so on top of of that and not getting home from dance until 9pm most nights, my eating disorder was able to go pretty much completely unnoticed. I was very independent so I made most of my own meals, leading to no one really seeing the extent of my restriction. At the same time, I experienced more trauma, which led to more desire for control and emotion suppression.

As I rapidly lost weight, it was seen as a positive thing. People told me that I looked amazing, was getting closer to having a “ballerina body”, and asked me how I was doing it. I of course lied so that no one would think it was unhealthy, despite the fact that I was slowly killing myself. I started to get more featured roles, and the external validation continued to grow.

I was tracking every morsel of food that went into my body, to the point where I was Googling how many calories were in a communion wafer. My calorie and macro tracking app became my most trusted companion, to where I still can’t get certain calorie counts out of my head today, despite being solidly in recovery.

At 18, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. After going gluten free, I lost more weight, and this was the first time I mentioned concerns to my doctor about weight loss, because it had been “out of my control.” My doctor said not to worry and that things would “even out.” I took this as more validation to continue what I was doing.

I started college as a dance major. During my freshman year, I fluctuated between stints of heavily restricting and overexercising and then eating more normally. However, that winter, I was part of a production choreographed by one of my college’s Masters students, and the costume was very revealing. I once again fell into a pattern of restriction, determined to be as small as possible. 

The pattern continued for the rest of that semester, with my eating disorder allowing exceptions for a few favorite restaurants, which again avoided concern from others.

When I was 19, I got more serious about modeling. For people unfamiliar with the modeling industry, one of the biggest factors for getting jobs is being “sample size” which is often size 2 or size 4. The summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college, I started to become more sought after and had a lot of jobs. Two of those jobs were some of my lowest points.

During one shoot, I became lightheaded and passed out. I tried to pass it off because of the photographer being very demanding and difficult, as well as it being in an NYC apartment with no AC, however, the reality was that I hadn’t eaten that day. The photographer forced me to eat a banana, and I tried hard to refuse it. On the subway home, I still didn’t think it was a problem.

Later that summer, I did a bridal shoot. When I got to the location where hair and makeup was being done, the photographer said, “You’re a size 2, right?”

Internally, I panicked because to my knowledge, I wasn’t. However, I didn’t say anything and tried on the dress despite the doubt. It fit perfectly, and my eating disorder rejoiced because I felt like I had won. I once again hadn’t eaten that day, and decided to overload on caffeine as a way to have energy. The shoot was in a boat in Central Park, and I was lightheaded the entire time. I once again tried to blame the heat – and while it was hot, that wasn’t the problem.

I was often going to the gym twice a day, and thoughts were what consumed my brain, instead of soaking up the summer.

Towards the end of the summer, I went to see a Broadway show and go to dinner for my childhood best friend’s 18th birthday. She was in and out of treatment for an eating disorder throughout high school, and I didn’t know until we were on the way home that most of the other friends she invited were people she met in treatment. They were talking about their eating disorders and their experiences in treatment, and I started thinking, “They did the same things I do all the time, but they were sent to hospitals and treatment centers.” However, since no one had expressed concerns about my behaviors, I told myself that it wasn’t that bad and clearly wasn’t a problem if no one was telling me I had to stop it.

As the summer came to a close, I was feeling out of control and starting to think I had a problem. I decided to start looking for therapists, and on September 7th, 2016, I had my first session.

My recovery was a slow process, filled with elements of denial and struggles to be totally vulnerable and honest in my therapy sessions. However, for better or for worse, my perfectionist tendencies eventually led me to want to fully commit to recovery.

That Thanksgiving, I relapsed. My mom and I were Black Friday shopping, and I saw that I had gone up 2 jeans sizes. At this early, vulnerable point in my recovery, I couldn’t tolerate it. I broke down in the fitting room, and the next morning, I fell into another cycle of restriction and overexercise. Luckily, I pulled myself out fairly quickly.

In the spring of 2017, I started to feel more solid in my recovery. I changed majors from dance to psychology because I knew that only having dance as my career wasn’t healthy for my recovery. It was difficult to step away, but ultimately, my recovery really flourished.

Early in 2018, my grandma passed suddenly, and my eating disorder once again reared its ugly head in a desperate attempt for control. I noticed this relapse quickly, and I started medication, started seeing a dietitian, and started group therapy. I also changed therapists to someone more specialized in eating disorders.

At the same time, I decided to take a step away from dance. I had been dancing in a small contemporary company, but I came to realize that in order to more fully experience recovery, I couldn’t stay in the space that was keeping me sick – despite my love for dance. It was an incredibly difficult decision, but it was one that I knew I had to make.

Things started to improve, however, that summer I experienced a sexual assault, which once again led into a lapse. I had also seen significant weight fluctuations, which led to wanting to control my weight since I was the highest weight I had ever been. Luckily, I didn’t completely devolve into a true relapse, but it was a challenging journey to pull myself out of.

That August, Sean and I started dating, and he was a major part of getting my recovery to where it is today. I had been in a very dark place, in a severe depressive episode and experiencing severe PTSD symptoms. There were many times where he had to force me to eat, and despite my pushback, he never got angry at me or told me I was too much. That Thanksgiving I met his parents for the first time, and without me even asking, he filled his parents in and asked that they wouldn’t say anything negative about food or bodies and that they not make any comments on food in general. With the level of support, I was truly able to enjoy Thanksgiving, as well as the rest of the trip.

I started doing more trauma work in therapy, ultimately addressing the deeper roots of my eating disorder.

Since then, my recovery has continued to blossom. I started graduate school for my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling in August 2019, in a truly solid, healthy place in recovery. My desire to support others and knowing that I needed to prioritize my own wellbeing to do so was a huge motivator, even in challenging moments.

I’d be lying if I said I never have moments of challenging thoughts about food and body image pop in, but I’m grateful to truly be in a place where my eating disorder is a thing of the past, and that I live a life no longer dictated by food and body image.

As I write this today, I’m sitting in a coffee shop next to my fiancé and our sweet yorkie Zen, less than 2 weeks from our wedding. I haven’t fallen victim to the “sweating for the wedding” trap, and I haven’t had a single thought of trying to restrict on my wedding day. In fact, throughout planning, I’ve been incredibly excited about all of the amazing food I’ll be eating.

Today, I eat in a way that nourishes my body and soul, engaging in gentle nutrition as a form of self-care. I have rebuilt my relationship with dance, and I exercise because I love it and it’s healthy for me mentally and physically, not because I feel like I need to lose weight.

Several moments have tested my recovery over the past few years, including having positive comments from people when I unintentionally lost weight. A few years ago, that would’ve sent me into a spiral of intentionally restricting to “continue it.” However, I’ve chosen to continue to view my body neutrally, through all of the fluctuations that life brings.

I’m incredibly grateful for everyone who has been part of my recovery journey, from professionals, to friends, to family, and everyone in between. While I know that ultimately, I’m the reason why my recovery is where it is today, I also know that without that support, I wouldn’t be in the place I am now.

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, I want you to know that while recovery is extremely difficult, it is also SO possible. You are capable of building a life free from an eating disorder, where thoughts about food and body image don’t consume your every waking moment.

I’m so proud of 2016 Colleen for taking that brave step in starting recovery, and for current me who continues to work everyday to maintain the freedom that I’ve worked so hard for.